the delusion of 'something lacking'

and how to use it as a portal back to your peace, power & delight

“Oh, I just need to get this project finished… then I can relax/ feel ease/ be good.”

“When I lose another 10 pounds… then I will feel hot and lovable.”

“Once my website is in better shape… then I will feel comfortable sharing my work more freely.”

“Once I know that my friend isn’t upset with me… then I will feel at peace.”

Have you ever fallen into the delusion that there’s something outside of yourself that, if only you could somehow attain, it would change everything for the better?

Like there’s a puzzle piece you’re missing that, if you had it, it would transform everything in your life that feels, “off,” and magically, your sense of wholeness and courage and worthiness would allll magically fall into place leaving you to blossom into some Realized Version of yourself?

Like a Pokemon entering its final evolution?

And from this perfectly integrated, wondrous place, your life could finally begin?

Lord I know I have had SO MANY ITERATIONS of this delusion in my life, and I know firsthand, when you’re in the thick of this illusion, it can be so, so difficult to see it for what it is — an illusion rather than the ultimate truth of things.

My first few years working in the Montessori classroom fresh out of college, I was undergoing Montessori certification, so I worked as a mix of classroom assistant and co-teacher.

This bugged me because I like to be in charge!

I come by it naturally. I’m a bossy, big sister, goddamn it! A born delegator. Someone who was identified at a ~young age~ as ~gifted and talented~ in leadership. An eager queen who had just spent 4 years in an undergraduate career training to be A Leader, and here I was back in training again!

Wasn’t it time?!

A classroom of my own.

I wanted it so much!!

I studied. I taught. I took notes. I took tests. I passed tests. I worked nights. I came in to the classroom on weekends. I made my own materials, and then eventually — that day came!

I completed my training and talked to my school’s administration, and I got my own classroom!

Not only that, the teacher who helped to found the school I was working at — the one who I admired as a mentor; the teacher who everyone thought would never retire — decided to step down and give me her classroom to lead the very first year her grandson would be enrolling. She would be placing him in my room.

So, I was not just the lead teacher, I was the lead teacher, “taking over,” the founding teacher’s classroom! Entrusted to guide her grandson!!

Now I could ride off happily ever after into the sunset drenched in warm and loving and powerful vibes, right??

RIGHT???

I mean… yeah!

For a moment!

There were things I appreciated about the change, but it didn’t magically unlock anything inside me.

In fact, I don’t even remember doing anything to celebrate or savor the experience and the emotions that it brought up within me.

I just remember feeling momentarily pleased and then immediately putting my nose down and getting back to work!

And I’m not the only one. Research shows this is how we are as humans.

In episode 710 of Depression Detox Show, Harvard professor and social scientist Arthur C. Brooks shares about this phenomena with professors seeking tenure.

These professors thought that receiving this role would lead to a lasting increase in happiness but in actuality, even those who did receive the role adjustment, returned back to their usual levels of happiness within weeks of the change.

Have you experienced your own version of this?

I know I could sit here all day and share story after story about accomplishments big and small I thought FOR SURE would “change things,” for me, that in the end, really didn't do much for my quality of life beyond a short-term hit of dopamine.

So, the question begs to be asked:

How do we get off this hamster wheel of chasing validation outside of ourselves, and instead, cultivate greater delight and satisfaction in the here and now?